Recently, I have been "sifting" through the things in my life. I am looking through every crack, every crevice, every corner, and yes... even scrubbing the baseboards. I am cleaning things that I never thought could be cleaned- opening closets that I did not want to open, for I KNEW piles upon piles of things would burden my already heavy heart. I have let go of things I knew I needed to let go of, confronted things I never thought I could, and even began patching up things in my marriage that I use to just cover with rugs and make look "pretty"- just so everything looked in place. For the longest time, I have been feeling these emotions every time I saw certain people or thought of certain incidents. I would get angry, then sad, and then I would be overcome with guilt for being so "dramatic". Yet... no matter what the outcome of it was, I still felt unsatisfied. Until now...
I realize that friends are there to hold you, pick you up, and talk some sense into you when you are being irrational. As a friend, you are there to talk to, love, respect, and reach out your hand whenever your friend falls down. But when does friendship become a need? I WANT friends... I WANT that unbreakable friendship that most call "best friends"... but do I need it?
The last month or so, I have been looking at several "friendships" I have, had, lost, and even yearn for. I realized that the friends IN my life, were not being "friends" at all. I rarely get a phone call... text... or when I would ask if they wanted to do anything, I would get a "Sorry- busy" signal... yet later I would see Facebook status updates of "Had so much fun with so and so"... I know- high school of me right? But honestly, that hurts. Why would you LIE to your friend? Why not just say "I have plans" or "I don't feel like driving today"... is that a big deal? I am a big girl... I promise... I won't get upset. I get upset when I get lied to. Then... to top it all off... My friends start taking advantage of me. I am a photographer- it is something I love to do. And for my friends, I would ALWAYS take pictures and give them little memories to hold on to... free of charge. But when I don't hear from my friends... when I don't get those phone calls, emails, texts, or anything for months... and then all of a sudden I get a "Will you do a shoot for me?" type of message... Yes- I get upset. And then (this is the kicker)... when I say "My shoot costs this much" and you ask me to comp it... this is the moment that God turns my light bulb on. Again- I get angry... I get sad... and then I feel guilty.
So... what do I do? I hate drama... oh I hate it. I use to thrive on it... but now... I don't have the energy to even deal with it. All of my energy is invested in my kids- my husband- my spiritual walk with Christ. My energy is being used to "clean house"... So I asked myself... If God was trying to clean my house (which is basically what He is doing right now- cleaning my house, throwing out trash, tearing down walls, and building new ones) what would He do if there were weeds in the yard, a lazy gardener, or a plumber that tracked mud through His newly laid flooring? (pause)................................
I bet God would fire them... God is a loving God... but He is also a POWERFUL one. In my bible readings this week, I have read how He has punished those who spoke against or hurt the ones He carried. God is a loving God yes- but don't you mess with His babies. We are the body of Christ... God can only do so much without bringing His holy hand down upon the Earth. So... I thought... this is what God is laying on my heart: LET GO of those that hurt you, abandon you, bring you down, or hold you back. Cling to those that make your heart beat and your soul rejoice in My name. Reach out to those you love, care for, and hurt. Pray for those that have hurt you.
So that is what I did- I let go... I cling... and I reached out. It hurts... And I am still not done. I hate losing friends. But am I really losing them? How can you lose something that was never there to lose? I love my friends... but do I NEED them?
The answer is NO... I look at God like many look at the military: If God wanted me to have a friend, He would give me one (If the military wants you to have a wife, they will issue you one). I know I am suppose to be working to build relationships. But I look at these relationships like vehicles. Do I waste my time and money on a vehicle that will not run for me, or do I just sign off on the title and let someone else work on it? I would rather have a junker that runs for me and keeps me warm than a brand new car that picks my destinations for me and only keeps me warm on days it feels like it (darn you technology and computer boards ;-)
Long story short... Let God build your house... But be vigilent... Don't let the weeds overcome your yard because you are focusing too much on the remodel. Don't let the people into your house if all they do is hinder God's work. He is a busy man... lots of houses to rebuild! Listen to C.S. Lewis:
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
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