Simply AMAZING

I have to make this quick, because my hubby is already looking at me like "Really babe? Get back in bed!"
Last Thursday, I, along with three other MOPS mommies left for our international convention in Orlando. I was TOTALLY excited, but also nervous to leave my hubby and three kiddos behind. Especially because this was Kaydance's first day of school... but I will write about that later.
Before I left, I kind of "sifted" out my life. I deleted my Facebook completely, along with friends, hid myself, and all sorts of other things. I was basically just trying to get rid of the things that were holding me back or the people that I had no contact with any more. Ya know? Kind of like those pair of shoes you don't wear any more but they still take up closet space, and every time you look at them you feel guilty because you have yet to wear them, but also have NO outfit to wear them with? Yeah- that was my sifting out process.
OK... so... I have been on this spiritual journey of finding myself and finding who I REALLY am. I can honestly say at the age of 22, almost 23, I was so confused with myself, my priorities, my friendships/relationships, and my position with my Lord.
I am proud to say- that I am now ON THE RIGHT PATH. I realized over the weekend that I was never FINDING MYSELF. I had never really GOTTEN ON THE PAT of spiritual journey. I was just kind of wandering the woods in search of a ranger or tour guide that was going to hold my hand and take me to the celestial mountains. Oh boy was I wrong.
For those of you who do not know what MOPS is: It is Mothers of Preschoolers. Last year I joined an amazing group and experienced some amazing fellowship. This year, I was asked to step on as co-coordinator. While I did not feel equipped to do so, I felt God tugging me... kind of like my compass... telling me to point myself DUE NORTH! With a great deal of praying and slight hesitance, I agreed. I am so glad I did.
This weekend was our MOPS International Conference. It was full of spiritual workshops, wonderful fellowship with other MOPS, and overall just tools to equip you to help yourself and "other another mother". I attended several workshops: Recipes for Romance, Momology: The art and science of mothering, Large Group Coordinator, How to Keep Your Child From Failing Spiritually, and several others. I saw the most wonderful worship/praise leaders as well: Christy Nockels, The Kantinas, Mandisa, and yes... Richie McDonald (who signed a personal autograph to me AND my husband- thanking him for his sevice... amazing). Anyway... throughout all of these workshops, I began to feel... well... the Holy Spirit really work inside of me. I began to raise my hands in praise to the Lord, simply because I just really wanted to love my God... not just because everyone else does it. I began to stop and just pray throughout the day. I also formed the most amazing relationships/friendships with the MOPS mommies I went with. I can honestly say that I would have never thought these three people and I would have anything in common. I can now say that I have three of the best of friends from this trip. I learned so much from these women through spiritual and real life experiences, trials and tribulations, and differences in opinions. It is the most amazing feeling in the world to feel... well... like you know who you are or who you want to me. My good friend Destiny told me that she learned in her workshop that "Nobody is going to get in the car with you if you do not know where you are going"... yeah... sums me up pretty much!
So... after coming home I have taken my privacy setting off of the most private of settings. I want to be a RESOURCE to mommies out there. If I get abused... so be it. It is not Christian of me to NOT put myself out there. God wants me to have these relationships- good and bad. He intended me to have these relationships... he intended for me to go through such pain and suffering... One of my best of friends use to tell me that "from the beauty, there is ashes". She is so right... and I completely SEE what she means now! I see EVERYTHING in SUCH a different perspective now. Those who I have hurt, I feel a pain... A pain that makes me just want to hold them and take all of their pain away. My kids screaming and running around as my husband and I are trying to embrace each other for one moment... I realize that my children are urgent, but my husband is most important at that point. I comprehend that my children screaming and fighting is annoying to me, but not disobeying God- therefore, it is not a just cause for discipline and furthermore, not something I should stress or focus on. I SEE now God! I SEE! You have indeed OPENED MY EYES! While I still have a LONG journey ahead of me and a path full of ruts and narrow areas, but I know that YOUR hand God... YOUR hand will ALWAYS be there... guiding me... You are my compass Lord. You are the one that will hold me AS I fall... You may not prevent me from falling... You may not prevent me from getting bumped and bruised... But You God- You will pick me back up and give me the strength to keep going.
WHO AM I LORD?
I am a mom that is far from perfect. I loose my cool with my kids when I shouldn't. I use the television as my backup when I just need a shower. I don't always give my kids organic and home cooked meals. I forget that they are just children and I do get impatient with them. But the mom that I want to be is so much more than that. She is all of these things. I am all of these things. But I never forget to say "I love you". I never let my kids cross dangerous streets alone. I always apologize when I mess up and explain to my kids that I, like them, am not perfect. I pray for my children.
I am a wife that is so in love, but the love is imperfect. My husband and I fight. He does not buy me roses, write me love songs, or serenade me throughout the day. I do not always treat him as he deserves to be treated and often times take my stress out on him. But the wife that I want to me is so much more than that. She does all of these things. I do all of these things. But I also would jump in front of a bullet to save the life of my husband. I do his laundry and oxi clean his underwear several times, if the occasion calls for it! :-) I make sure he eats and I do kiss him just because. I tell him I love him... and I pray for my husband.
But... who am I... who do I want to be?
I am a little girl. I am lost in this world and oftentimes cannot see the light through the darkness. I am reaching for my Lord as the weight of "the world" is pulling me down. It hurts... these pains of stretching and growing. But I know that the woman I want to be is a woman that sees the beauty that God sees. I want to be a woman of Him and only Him. Right now if I am pleased with my husband, I am pleased with my kids, which makes me pleased with my God. I strive to be pleased with God, which then makes me pleased with my husband, and pleased with my kids. You, Lord... You are my destination. I want to be like Christ, no matter how far off I may be, I strive to be Christ-like. I know that this means COMPLETELY letting go of EVERYTHING I have ever known to be "right". If two kids are fighting over a toy, who should get the toy?


Answer: They are both wrong because they are only wanting to please themselves at the expense of others.
-Destiny Ingram



I leave you with a book... the book of Psalm 139. May it give to you the same comfort and reassurance that it has given to me in this short time. God bless you and KNOW that HE loves you!
Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.