So... ugh... to say it but not to say it.
My husband is military- military deploys--- my husband is deploying... I am not for sure on the time... I cannot say anything about the location... and the length of the deployment is unknown. I know, I know- I am NOT suppose to be saying he is deploying. But guess what Special Ops... he is military and we all know he will be deploying. I didn't give out specifics... I am just letting my friends know. With this, I pray for safe travels for him... safe keeping for all of our men and women serving... and God's healing hands to hold my heart in one and Jonathon's in the other and keep them pumping through the distance.
So... maybe it is the "deployment dirt" that I am dealing with, but STUFF is going on in my life. First of all, just when things were looking SO good in my marriage and we were on the right track, we get word that he will be leaving FAR sooner than expected and we have NO time to get our marriage COMPLETELY back on track. He is training and all that so I will not even have time to SPEND with him before he leaves. So basically- he is already there... wherever THERE may be in your imagination. I am so frustrated with this, it makes me sick.
Then... people... People have been getting on my nerves a lot more easy lately. Just silly little things: making me feel incompetent, ignoring me, guilt trips, putting their nose where it doesn't belong, getting into MY space... ya know- things that normally do not bother me what so ever... ARE DRIVING ME INSANE. For this... I pray for patience... contentment... and for these "PMS" symptoms to go away so I can get back to myself.
On top of everything... I am so so so sick. I have had this head cold, cough, achy body, and nose run for quite some time now. It is now in my chest and it hurts to cough but my throat is constantly scratchy- so I HAVE to cough. Of course, no fever... so the docs won't even waste their time. But I am coughing so bad it is making my ears hurt and my chest feel like someone punched me. As most of you know- Mommies can't be sick... Mommies don't get sick. Mommies are super heroes who are still expected to cook, clean, laugh, play, create, sing, brush, bathe, and do everything else without fault. Oy... I just want to feel GOOD again. I have been sleeping so POORLY lately- Primarily because I am so achy that exercise is COMPLETELY out of the question and secondly because I am coughing through the night, so I wake up with neck and back pain. For this... I pray for healing. Just plain ol' HEALING!
Basically- I am having SUCH a hard time right now fighting the enemy. Kind of odd right? That is what my husband is going to do- Fight the enemy... defend our freedom. Yet here I am, sitting in the comfort of my own home STRUGGLING and BATTLING the enemy and feeling as if I am stuck in bondage and will remain there... like I can't break free!!! The enemy is showing me bad after bad after bad... worse after worse after worse... TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE. I KNOW I love my life- I KNOW I love everything in my life and I LOVE serving my Lord. Right now I feel like my life sucks and NOTHING is going right. I feel ALONE... I feel BITTER... and I begin to wonder if serving the Lord is really something I should be doing right now.
My schedule of serving and life:
Sundays: I teach Sunday School music in the AM. I go to church immediately after until roughly 12:30pm. I am the assistant director of the church's Christmas musical and rehearse in the afternoon. I am the church's preschool choir director (Wee Ones) in the PM and help out with Fish Factory immediately following. Sundays are also bath days for my kids.
Mondays: I attend "Fit for Christ" yoga class in the AM, walk/run with my MOPS group immediately after. I go to the gym in the afternoon/evening and then cook a four course meal for my family.
Tuesdays: I volunteer in Kaydance's class from 9am-2pm. I focus on school work for about four hours out of the day and edit photos for about four hours. Not to mention I have about 3 hours of bible study time between the various bible studies. I go to the gym in the afternoon/evening and then cook a four course meal for my family.
Wednesdays: I attend a womens' bible study from 9am-noon on Beth Moore's Here, Then, Now Revelation study. I help out with the Old Ferry Cafe at church at 4pm, serve dinner at 5pm, eat quickly, and then head to my Disciple Bible Study at 6pm. I also have to take Kaydance to her Kids JAM bible study at 6pm. We both get out around 8/8:30pm.
Thursdays: On the 1st, 2nd, and 4th Thursdays of the month I have MOPS. I am the MOPS co-coordinator and the publicity coordinator. On the 3rd and sometimes 5th Thursdays of the month I now have a mommy bible study Shepherding a Child's Heart. I cook a four course meal for my family and also take desserts or side dishes to the local women's shelter for pregnant/single mommies. I then go to my Zumba class in the evening. Thursdays are also bath days.
Fridays: I try to focus on school work and editing photos on this day. I am normally PACKING school work in by now and have procrastinated so much I am in pain. Friday nights I go to my Zumba class after cooking a four course meal.
Saturdays: COMPLETELY devoted to working (photo shoots) and school work.
Sunday just starts everything all over again...
So- as you can see. I have NO time to be sick. I have NO time to worry about other people. I have NO time to FOCUS on my marriage or WORRY about my marriage. I spend time with my kids throughout the day, but I don't ever go into FULL ON mommy mode. I tried to drop ALL of my commitments and do that. And I reached the lowest I had been in a long time. I have noticed that when I am busy and on the go, I am able to keep my mind working. However, my body gets worn. My patience gets low. My irritability rises. My kids get time here and there and Kaydance being in school helps. Hailee NEEDS more social interaction, so I am looking at putting her in preschool. Kaylee is such a good baby. She plays with Hailee all day and they keep each other company... but I worry. I should be doing more with them. I do a lot FOR them- but do I do enough WITH them.
So all in all... I am placing EVERYTHING in God's hands. I am so lost right now. Blogging about it does no good... I am just trying to make sense of the unknown. I do not KNOW what God wants from me right now. I do not KNOW the direction in which He is guiding me. All I can do is PRAY that the Holy Spirit reveals these things to me and works through me... I NEED to put these things in God's hands and quit "worshiping" my troubles and things I cannot change. I HAVE to give them to God. I have to stop thinking about them- I am spending more time thinking about the bad CRAP in my life than I am counting my blessings... See... here I go... I can't even stop typing and end this blog because I am not READY to let go!!!!!!!! How sad is that?
I just rambled on about the bad in my life and how I want it to change, but I am having a hard time just giving into God's will.
I am going to bed- I need to just sleep and pray...
So in closure there is only ONE thing left to say: Thy will be done.
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Have to say that I felt what you are feeling so many times I can't even count them--but I want you to remember one thing--your children are on loan to you from GOD--they are your biggest blessing and you need to remember to do things with them not for them--give up on the four course meals--they will remember the blanket picnic on the living room floor with just fresh fruit and veggies and some chicken salad sandwhiches far more then they will remember the four course meal---yes it is important to spend time in study with the Lord but he would not want you take all your time from your children--remember they are your gift to you from him---Heavenly Father will help you through all this but if you are not receiving your answer from the Holy Ghost it is because God trusts you to make the right choice on your own---he does give the chance to fly solo at times---as long as your have prayed about---as long as you are saying your morning, evening and meal prayers and having your family prayer time each day and spend time studing the scriptures each day the Lord understands you not giving every minute of every day---take the time with the kidos--before you know it the fingerprints that drive you nuts will all to soon disappear---and when you can think of no other blessing think aobut your eyebrows and what a blessing they are---without them think of all the expressions you would not be able to make---and also remember that I am never more than a phone call away---regardless of what time it is---I love you baby girl!!!!!
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