Change and Growth

Today I have learned a very important life lesson. If you try to change someone, they are not the person you fell in love with. Yes- I am talking about my husband.
When Jon and I first met, I didn't really think he was "my type" because he was too nice. He would pull out chairs and open doors and rub my feet and shoulders. While, of course, I thought it was wonderful, I began to question his sexuality- yes I thought maybe he was "gay". No MAN acts like that! Men just aren't that wonderful. So I started to be really rude to him! Long story short- he broke up with me and then I realized that I did want him... I didn't NEED him... I wanted him. I could lean on him for support and he was my "fixer upper". He was so lost in his life as a young 18 year old, I knew I had a mission! I motivated him to do better, encourage him to make a career for himself. He joined the military. I was his support through basic and helped him study through tech school. His first year in the military we had our ups and downs. Adjusting to the military life was rough and his job was very demanding. Although, I was pretty independent and did perfectly fine, I kind of forgot to "include" him because he was gone so much and busy studying for promotion and whatnot. He forgot my birthday, forgot our anniversary, didn't do much for Christmas, and didn't realize when the girls' birthdays were. It bugged me yes. Not that he didn't get me presents, but that he didn't even THINK to do anything! The last few years have been unchanged. He still doesn't do much. If it weren't for his mom, I don't think he would ever remember mother's day or my birthday. It hurts. I feel like all I do is devote myself to this family. I go without on SO many occasions so my family can have and do the things they want. I never complain about my husband's devotion to his country and the time he spends bettering his "career image". He is in school now and I am the one who helps him study and focus on it all. Yet I get nothing. I wear $5 flip flops that hurt my feet and $15 tennis shoes that give me blisters. I have three pairs of shorts and most of my clothes don't fit. Yet my husband had four pairs of shoes that average about $80 a pair, name brand shorts (about 20 of them), and TWO closets full of clothes! Today- I kind of lost it. I asked my husband to go to the mall with me to look for a good pair of tennis shoes. He wasn't too thrilled, but he agreed to tag along. While we were there, I saw a blood drive. My husband has O- blood which is the BEST blood to donate and I mentioned he should donate. He got all huffy puffy with me and right then and there, I had a mental breakdown. I realized that my husband is pretty selfish. Now, this could be because he is an only child. But no matter what the reason is, I realized he does not care to better himself or provide for others... I am the one that cares for him and carries him through such things. I am the one that signs him up for volunteer work, searches for ways he can better himself, and supports him through his career and school. Not to mention, I run the household. I am the soul nurturer of our children, the maid, the cook, and yes, even the disciplinarian. I use to be completely OK with all of this. But today, it hit me. I have been a mom since I was 16. I didn't get to have ME time... I never got to really "enjoy" being a kid. Now- I know I made that decision, but when do I get a chance to be SELFISH!? I really do get pleasure from helping others, but when is anyone going to reach out to me? When am I going to get that "Hey I got you this just because". I have planned our anniversary plans for the last three years. I have planned my own birthday for the last four. I haven't complained- but now... I am.
However, I realize that I married my husband BECAUSE he NEEDED me. And now that all he does is NEED me, I am upset? How does that work? Did I expect him to be a quick fix and then watch him blossom on his own? I think so. I think I expected to oil his hinges, clean his eyes to see the world, and then just step back and watch him grow. But it isn't like that... it is almost as if I am feeding and watering him and just when he starts to blossom, he falls and I have to devote all of my time to nurturing him again. I didn't mind- I still don't REALLY mind. However, nurturing three children, and now a FOURTH the size of an adult male is too demanding. I am a year out from graduation, but nowhere near finishing school. Laundry is done... for now... but in a few hours it will be piled up again. The floors are clean- ish... but in a minute they will be filthy. My kids are getting a long for the moment- but give it a second and they will be pulling each other's hair out. And my husband is at work where he is being guided by other people. But in eight hours, he will be home, and just when I got the kid to bed and I had a minute to relax, my "job" will start all over again. I am tired... I am worn out and wearing thin... I need a boost.
I know the saying goes "The family that prays together stays together", but what if you are the only one praying and the others are just "going through the motions"? What then?
I stumbled along this: 1 Thessalonians 5:11 "So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing."
I have to say- this verse made me even more angry! I was searching through my bible and all it says is to honor each other and help one another... BUT NOBODY HELPS ME! And then... classic... I remembered this: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
I know that it is the good Lord's will... If I am here to serve... than I should do so with a joyful heart. Jesus never expected anything in return. In fact, it wasn't until after He was crucified that anyone really "heard" his preachings or listened with their hearts. Perhaps I may not be getting the "honor" or "recognition" I want RIGHT NOW- but maybe it is my legacy that is being built. My children, my daughters will see how to treat their husband and that sometimes, it is OK to be sad about not getting what you want. But it is the bigger picture that we must keep in mind. Our purpose is FAR greater than we could ever imagine. Perhaps I am the one PUSHING my husband to do the things he does- but he is the one touching those people. Maybe it is exactly what those people need. Maybe I cannot do or influence the ones that my husband is. Although it is me behind the scenes, it is him making a difference. But isn't that what is most important? Making a difference... While I can never put myself in the Lord's shoes, I am beginning to empathize with Him. How many times do you have to pick people up before they just LEARN their lesson? The Lord has been doing it for many many years- and He is STILL picking people up... I suppose I need to relax, breath in the Holy Spirit, smile, and know that THIS- this right here is my purpose. I need to be CONTENT with that... not saying it is easy... but then again, change and growth are NEVER easy.